6 Tips for Self-Critical Thoughts That Won’t Go Away (ACT & CFT Tips in Bristol)

Why Thought Challenging Doesn’t Always Work for Self-Esteem Thoughts

Some therapy approaches teach us to challenge negative thoughts. The idea is simple: if we question whether a thought is true, we can weaken its grip. This can be incredibly helpful for lots of everyday worries where the evidence is shaky.

But if you’ve ever tried to challenge a deeply critical thought like:

• “I’m not good enough.”
  

• “I always mess things up.”
  

• “People will realise I’m a fraud.”
  

…and found it stubbornly refuses to budge, you’re not alone. It is almost as if the brain has a million ‘yeah, but…’ prepared to argue against your attempts to see the evidence.Even if you can find the evidence against, it so hard to shift from believing it with your heart. Some thoughts are stickier than others.

Why Some Thoughts Are “Sticky”

Certain self-critical beliefs become well-embedded over time. They may have formed during difficult experiences, moments of shame, or periods when you felt under threat or pressure.

You might think of these thoughts as being forged in the flames of threat. When the brain experiences threat repeatedly—criticism, rejection, high expectations, or emotional pain—it tries to learn from it. The brain’s job is to protect us from future harm, so it stores lessons that might help us avoid similar situations again.

Sometimes the lesson becomes a self-critical belief:

“If I keep reminding myself I’m not good enough, maybe I won’t embarrass myself again.”

From the brain’s perspective, this thought isn’t trying to hurt you. It’s trying, clumsily, to protect you. It doesn’t know there is a cost, because your brain is not trying to be your friend, it is just trying to help you survive.

To protect itself, the brain can become very resistant to letting the thought go. When you try to argue with it logically, the brain may simply respond: “Better safe than sorry.”. If we get stuck with this thought we feel we should be able to challenge, we might add another level of self-blame: “I can’t even get rid of this thought, I’m not doing it right”.

So, if thought challenging hasn’t worked for you, it isn’t because you’re doing it wrong. Your brain may simply be holding onto a belief that it thinks is important for your safety. At some point, it probably was important for safety

If you’re curious about how our minds develop these protective habits, you might find it helpful to read my blog on tricky brains and spotting the function of thoughts.

Alternatives to Thought Challenging

When thoughts are very sticky, approaches from Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can sometimes be more helpful. Rather than trying to defeat the thought in an argument, these approaches focus on changing how we relate to the thought.

Here are a few gentle strategies.

1. “Butterfly Catching” Thoughts

Instead of trying to push a thought away, we can practise simply noticing it. I often call this “butterfly catching.”

Imagine a thought floating past like a butterfly. You gently sweep the net to notice it, hold it lightly for a moment, and then allow it to fly on.

The aim is not to trap the butterfly or analyse it endlessly—just to notice it and let it pass. This builds a skill called mindful awareness, helping you step back from thoughts rather than becoming tangled inside them.

2. “I’m Having the Thought That…”

A helpful ACT technique is to add a small phrase before a difficult thought.

Instead of:

“I’m not good enough.”

Try:

“I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough.”

Take it one step further and try writing this down. This small shift reminds the brain that a thought is an event in the mind, not necessarily a fact. It creates just a little bit of breathing space.

3. Grounding with a Soothing Breath

When self-critical thoughts appear, they often activate the brain’s threat system.

Gentle breathing can help activate the soothing system instead. 

Try slowing your breathing slightly; focus on softening the in to the out breath. Creating a smooth transition from one breath to another, so there are no pinch points. Just like waves lapping up against the shore.

If this feels comfortable, try lengthening your out breath just a beat longer than the in-breath.
A longer out-breath helps signal safety to the nervous system.

You don’t need to force the thought away. Simply allow the body to settle alongside it.

4. Understanding Where the Thought Came From

Sometimes it helps to become curious:

• When did this thought first appear in my life?
  

• What might it have been trying to protect me from?
  

Often these beliefs formed during earlier experiences where being critical of ourselves felt necessary for survival or belonging. Seeing the history behind a thought can soften its power and can help us feel more compassionate to our brain. For more info about exploring this see my blog on Spotting the Function

5. Externalising the Thought

Another approach is to imagine the thought as something outside of you.

You might picture it as:

• a radio channel that sometimes turns on
  

• a character with a particular voice

• A colour, object or shape
  

This can help you notice:

“Ah, there’s that critical voice again.”

Rather than feeling as though the thought is you.

6. Watching Thoughts Like People in a Café Window

A final exercise is simple observation.

Imagine sitting in a café and watching people walk past the window. Some stay for a moment, some rush by, some linger. You don’t need to chase them or stop them. You simply notice them coming and going. From this spot, behind the window, you can be curious without being caught up with them.

Thoughts can be treated the same way. They arrive, they pass, and you remain the observer.

It’s not your fault…

If you have very persistent self-critical thoughts, it doesn’t mean you’re weak or doing therapy wrong. Often it simply means your brain has learned a very determined protection strategy. Consider the power that this holds - this is what you needed to survive (then). Perhaps, you just don’t need it to survive now.

With patience, compassion, and new ways of relating to thoughts, it’s possible to loosen their grip—even if they occasionally still flutter by.

And when they do, perhaps you can simply notice the butterfly, hold it lightly, and let it go. 🦋